Pilot Humour

[Feuerfalke]

Airplane to Tower: "Call me a fuel-truck"
Tower: "Roger, you are fuel-truck"

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Pilot enroute: "How it the weather at your airport?"
ATC: "Overcast - Cloudcover 10/8"
Pilot after a short pause: "10/8? How can that be?"
ATC: "Yesterday we had 8/8 but today it looks worse."

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Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

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LH741: Tower, give me a rough timecheck
Tower: It's tuesday, Sir.

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ATC: RFG 312 fly directly to OLNO VOR. Do you need a vector?
Pilot: Ah, no, thanks. We can receive the VOR from here. It's in the direction of the moon.
ATC: Yes, that's possible, but we don't have the moon on our screen.

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Pilot: Tower, there's a taxi-light lit.
ATC: Oh, I hope they're all lit.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's BURNING

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Tower: Lufthansa 893, number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger...(After a short break)...We've checked the workers, they are
all working.

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Tower: Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
Pilot: Say again.
Tower: Squawk 0476.
Pilot: Four, zero...?
Tower: You want an easier?

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Tower: Delta Bravo Charlie, is your squawk really 7046?
Pilot: Positive.
Tower: Okay, then I'll send you a dredge for assistance. Your altitude is minus 90 feet.

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Tower: Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.
Pilot: Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.

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Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel

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The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base
"Requesting Radar".
"What is you position?" asked ATC
"You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied.
After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One we're changing frequency"
"What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One
"You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.

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Pilot on takeoff: "Oh my god! The engine failure light is on; we are all going to die! We are all going to die!”
Co Pilot: “Relax, that’s just the intercom”

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Tower: To prevent noise, alter heading 45 degrees to the right.
Pilot: What kind of noise can we make at 35,000 feet?
Tower: The bang when your 707 collides with the 727.

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Pilot of an Alitalia, whose cockpit has been paralyzed by lightning: "Everything's dead. Nothing is working anymore. Even our altimeter isn't showing anything .... After five minutes of lamentation the pilot of another flight broadcasts: "Shut up and die like a man!"

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Pilot: Have only very little fuel remaining. Request urgent instruction.
Tower: What is your position? We don't have you on the screen.
Pilot: We're sitting on runway 2 and have been waiting forever on the fuel truck.