Joke

[baronWastelan]

CLOD has plenty of company:

Advertising Blunders From The Past

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with a beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies prefer to put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Puffs tissues tried to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

Colgate's Cue toothpaste had problems in France, as cue is a slang term for "butt" in French.

Pet Milk encountered difficulties in French -speaking countries where "Pet" means "To Break Wind".

Kellogg's Bran Buds translates to "Burned Farmer" in Swedish.

China attempted to export "Pansy" brand mens underware to America.

United Airlines featured Paul Hogan in their in-flight magazine with the caption "Paul Hogan Camps It Up", Australian slang for "Flaunts His Homosexuality".

Parker Pen thought "enbarazar" to impregnate meant to embarrass, when running a ad in Mexico saying "It won't leak in your pocket and impregnate you"

[RickRuski]

Now who would be a teacher.
.
What Starts with F and ends with K.


A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble
With one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry,
what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
Sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the
Principal's' office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
Explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy
A test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
Was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
Agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were
Explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal
Thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, '
I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him
Some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that
I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I
Do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a
Question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps
Into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes
Out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
Could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a
Woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
Teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
Seven questions wrong...'

[335th_GRAthos]

Originally Posted by RickRuski

I got the last Seven questions wrong...'

Hmmm....

I have to go back to school again, too...

ROFL

~S~

[major_setback]

Originally Posted by baronWastelan

CLOD has plenty of company:

Advertising Blunders From The Past

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with a beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies prefer to put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Puffs tissues tried to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

Colgate's Cue toothpaste had problems in France, as cue is a slang term for "butt" in French.

Pet Milk encountered difficulties in French -speaking countries where "Pet" means "To Break Wind".

Kellogg's Bran Buds translates to "Burned Farmer" in Swedish.

China attempted to export "Pansy" brand mens underware to America.

United Airlines featured Paul Hogan in their in-flight magazine with the caption "Paul Hogan Camps It Up", Australian slang for "Flaunts His Homosexuality".

Parker Pen thought "enbarazar" to impregnate meant to embarrass, when running a ad in Mexico saying "It won't leak in your pocket and impregnate you"

Swedish Crêpe toiletpaper:







.

[Wolf_Rider]

Man Killed on Golf Course . . ...





The Price of Honesty!

A foursome of men is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.



When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.

Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.


She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those #$%^$&! lessons I took over the winter didn't help me."



One of the men immediately responds, "Well... there you have it, you should have taken golfing lessons instead!"






He never even had a chance to duck... he was only 43

[RickRuski]

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four
people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would
get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It’s hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
‘WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and
I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHT, I had already shit myself..'

Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!

[RickRuski]

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated,just take a wee glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was brilliant!
Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret?
How's the water do that?"




The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

[major_setback]

I bought a 1/24 scale Mosquito on ebay.
I thought they meant the aircraft. I can hardy see the bloody thing

[RickRuski]

Here's a bit of gentle Christian humour for Xmas: -







OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!!
LOT'S WIFE



The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

________________________________
GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

________________________________
DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

________________________________
HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

________________________________
MOSES AND THE RED SEA


Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"



________________________________
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

________________________________
UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.



________________________________
BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


________________________________
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"



________________________________
TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.


"Yes, sir." the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"



________________________________
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

________________________________

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"