Joke

[SEE]

Gamblers joke! Pad it out with your imagination when telling......


A guy at the local Dog Track, is down to his last 'fiver', depressed and tearful as the next pay cheque is a month a away!

Sat, in the rain and contemplating a month of hardship, a scrawny old greyhound dog meanders along and sits beside him.

The dog opens its mouth, yawns and then amazingly speaks to him....."Red Rocket, Lane 4 ....10 to 1 ....dead cert pal!"

The man, in a state of utter disbelievement, listes to the dog repeat his tip for the next race!

He puts his last fiver on the dogs tip! It wins .......

The Greyhound advises him with tips for the rest of the evening -----and every one a damned winner!

He adopts the dog when discovering it has no owner and trundles to the local pub with a pocket full of cash.

He gets, drunk and starts telling everyone in the pub how he won so much and how he owes it all to a talking dog, etc, etc.

Everyone in the pub thinks he is a total nutcase.

Offended, he puts his entire winnings on the counter and challenges everyone in the pub to bet regards his 'tallking dog'.

Everyone in the pub takes him on!

He picks the dog up, places it on the counter and says ...."tell them what you told me!"

The dog wags its tail, pants rapidly, snuggles up to him but says nothing....

The man in depair, asks again but the dog just wags its tail!

The man loses his entire winnings and, cursing the old Greyhound, chases the dog out of the pub and down the road.

He grabs the dog by the neck, swearing profusely, he tightens his grip around the poor dogs neck and the dog scarcely audible splutters......

'yeah, I know your mad.............but the think of the odds we will get tomorrow night!"

[csThor]

Berlin, a hot summer day. Traffic jam on the Avus (Berlin City Autobahn). A driver sits sweating in his car when someone knocks against the window and he looks up into the face of a policeman. He lowers the window.
"Yes?"
"Have you heard?" the policeman asks.
"Heard what?"
"Terrorists have stormed the Bundestag and have soaked everyone and everything with fuel. They demand money and freedom for some of their incarcerated compatriots. Otherwise they'll set everything afire. We're going around collecting."
"So what do people give? On average, I mean?"
The policeman shrugs. "About five liters of fuel. Most are also donating matches or a lighter."

[RickRuski]

Baptising an Irishman

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher Baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.


He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
Again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk inthe water again ---

But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'


(Are you ready for this????)











The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[Dan555a]

The man in depair, asks again but the dog just wags its tail!

[RickRuski]

New definition for S.O.S.



A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.



The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!'
and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.

He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?




The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
pilot came back on and said : 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled.
'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back,
took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and
a cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter -
comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

We older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter....

[baronWastelan]

CLOD has plenty of company:

Advertising Blunders From The Past

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with a beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies prefer to put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Puffs tissues tried to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

Colgate's Cue toothpaste had problems in France, as cue is a slang term for "butt" in French.

Pet Milk encountered difficulties in French -speaking countries where "Pet" means "To Break Wind".

Kellogg's Bran Buds translates to "Burned Farmer" in Swedish.

China attempted to export "Pansy" brand mens underware to America.

United Airlines featured Paul Hogan in their in-flight magazine with the caption "Paul Hogan Camps It Up", Australian slang for "Flaunts His Homosexuality".

Parker Pen thought "enbarazar" to impregnate meant to embarrass, when running a ad in Mexico saying "It won't leak in your pocket and impregnate you"

[RickRuski]

Now who would be a teacher.
.
What Starts with F and ends with K.


A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble
With one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry,
what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
Sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the
Principal's' office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
Explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy
A test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
Was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
Agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were
Explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal
Thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, '
I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him
Some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that
I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I
Do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a
Question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps
Into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes
Out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
Could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a
Woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
Teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
Seven questions wrong...'

[335th_GRAthos]

Originally Posted by RickRuski

I got the last Seven questions wrong...'

Hmmm....

I have to go back to school again, too...

ROFL

~S~

[major_setback]

Originally Posted by baronWastelan

CLOD has plenty of company:

Advertising Blunders From The Past

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with a beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies prefer to put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Puffs tissues tried to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

Colgate's Cue toothpaste had problems in France, as cue is a slang term for "butt" in French.

Pet Milk encountered difficulties in French -speaking countries where "Pet" means "To Break Wind".

Kellogg's Bran Buds translates to "Burned Farmer" in Swedish.

China attempted to export "Pansy" brand mens underware to America.

United Airlines featured Paul Hogan in their in-flight magazine with the caption "Paul Hogan Camps It Up", Australian slang for "Flaunts His Homosexuality".

Parker Pen thought "enbarazar" to impregnate meant to embarrass, when running a ad in Mexico saying "It won't leak in your pocket and impregnate you"

Swedish Crêpe toiletpaper:







.

[Wolf_Rider]

Man Killed on Golf Course . . ...





The Price of Honesty!

A foursome of men is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.



When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.

Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.


She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those #$%^$&! lessons I took over the winter didn't help me."



One of the men immediately responds, "Well... there you have it, you should have taken golfing lessons instead!"






He never even had a chance to duck... he was only 43