Joke - Page 16

RickRuski · #**151** 09-19-2013, 10:17 PM

A testimony to true friendship is...

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

swiss · #**152** 10-19-2013, 11:07 PM

Rick!

Where heck are you?
It's about time for a new joke.
Cheer up my day.

RickRuski · #**153** 10-20-2013, 06:33 AM

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer really screwed up now."

swiss · #**154** 10-23-2013, 09:53 AM

thx

:FI:Sneaky · #**155** 10-23-2013, 11:09 AM

Past, Present and Future walk into a bar..... it was tense.

Trumper · #**156** 10-27-2013, 06:12 PM

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

RickRuski · #**157** 11-20-2013, 02:30 AM

The Medium.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.

Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing.

She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,

"Will I be acquitted." ?

For some reason, Women tend to like this joke ....

RickRuski · #**158** 11-28-2013, 01:01 AM

Out of the mouths of babes etc.

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some we hadn’t seen for quite a while, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well.
All during dinner my wife’s best friend’s four-year-old stared at me sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

I'm learning to hate little kids.

RickRuski · #**159** 12-04-2013, 05:47 AM

New SIM to surprise her husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the Living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, the stupid woman is in the kitchen.

Cool message by a wife

Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

Throwing knives at wife's picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

Habit of talking in sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around & no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!

________________________________________

RickRuski · #**160** 12-08-2013, 06:10 PM

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.. The room was full of workers and
he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy
$1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that
goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.."