Rules of the air & the 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation

[335th_GRAthos]

Ok, ok, since Luthier does not help (no news about patch, progress, etc) and Raaaid starts dissapointing (too few posts), I guess we have to find ways to occupy ourselves. So, here I start:




Rules of the air

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot starts sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
12a. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots.


-----------------------------------------------------------

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation

• I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.

• Me? I've never busted minimums.

• We will be on time, maybe even early.

• Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.

• I have no interest in flying for the airlines.

• I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.

• All that turbulence spoiled my landing.

• I'm a member of the mile high club.

• I only need glasses for reading.

• I broke out right at minimums.

• The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.

• Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.

• If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.

• I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.

• We shipped the part yesterday.

• I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.

• All you have to do is follow the book.

• This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.

• We in aviation are overpaid, under worked and well respected.

• Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.

• I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.

• No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.

• Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?

• We'll be home by lunchtime.

• Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.

• I'm always glad to see the FAA.

• We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.

• It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?

• I thought YOU took care of that.

• I've got the field in sight.

• I've got the traffic in sight.

• Of course I know where we are.

• I'm SURE the gear was down.


~S~

[JimmyBlonde]

I guess it must be my turn to post the gripe sheet for the remaining 2 people who haven't seen this yet...

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Pudfark]

Here is one of my favorite "simulated" versions.......

"For all of you encountering issues with the game, we strongly encourage you to visit 1C’s European forum, where Ilya is posting daily updates on the situation and useful tips to deal with perfomance issues:"

http://il-2-sturmovik.ubi.com/cliffs...log/uk/?p=1242

"I don't care who ya are....that's funny right there" (Larry the Cable Guy)