Joke

[RickRuski]

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens:

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German" she replied.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days"...

[Kongo-Otto]

[Wolf_Rider]

A joke thread? good move, we need some giggles...



A poll conducted among INFOCUS magazine readers had established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters (<), though some readers held out resolutely for "norkies."
In honor of computer symbology's increased role in our vocabulary, INFOCUS published the following poem, written by Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese of Calvin College & Seminary of Grand Rapids, MI.



>> ! * ' ' #
^ " ` $ $ -
! * = @ $ _
% * < > ~ # 4
& [ ] . . /
| { , , SYSTEM HALTED




The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:



Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.

[RickRuski]

Here's another for you: -


AN IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door..... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....



Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

[nearmiss]

Stick for a while to see how it goes.

Forums rules apply so don't get off into the world of vulgarity and profanity and expect to get away with it, because you are telling a joke.

Be cool, we can all use a good laugh

[No1 Cheese]

Just bought a wig made of anal hair,bloody thing keeps blowing off!!!!!



Cheese

[No1 Cheese]

MY WIFE HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE ON SUNDAY. SILLY COW THOUGHT SHE
COULD DO THE VACUUMING WHILE THE FOOTBALL WAS ON.

Cheese

[No1 Cheese]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".




"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."


Cheese

[No1 Cheese]

Irish Invasion



The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you. We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven.'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.

And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[SEE]

Gamblers joke! Pad it out with your imagination when telling......


A guy at the local Dog Track, is down to his last 'fiver', depressed and tearful as the next pay cheque is a month a away!

Sat, in the rain and contemplating a month of hardship, a scrawny old greyhound dog meanders along and sits beside him.

The dog opens its mouth, yawns and then amazingly speaks to him....."Red Rocket, Lane 4 ....10 to 1 ....dead cert pal!"

The man, in a state of utter disbelievement, listes to the dog repeat his tip for the next race!

He puts his last fiver on the dogs tip! It wins .......

The Greyhound advises him with tips for the rest of the evening -----and every one a damned winner!

He adopts the dog when discovering it has no owner and trundles to the local pub with a pocket full of cash.

He gets, drunk and starts telling everyone in the pub how he won so much and how he owes it all to a talking dog, etc, etc.

Everyone in the pub thinks he is a total nutcase.

Offended, he puts his entire winnings on the counter and challenges everyone in the pub to bet regards his 'tallking dog'.

Everyone in the pub takes him on!

He picks the dog up, places it on the counter and says ...."tell them what you told me!"

The dog wags its tail, pants rapidly, snuggles up to him but says nothing....

The man in depair, asks again but the dog just wags its tail!

The man loses his entire winnings and, cursing the old Greyhound, chases the dog out of the pub and down the road.

He grabs the dog by the neck, swearing profusely, he tightens his grip around the poor dogs neck and the dog scarcely audible splutters......

'yeah, I know your mad.............but the think of the odds we will get tomorrow night!"