Joke

[RickRuski]

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four
people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would
get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It’s hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
‘WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and
I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHT, I had already shit myself..'

Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!

[RickRuski]

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated,just take a wee glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was brilliant!
Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret?
How's the water do that?"




The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

[major_setback]

I bought a 1/24 scale Mosquito on ebay.
I thought they meant the aircraft. I can hardy see the bloody thing

[RickRuski]

Here's a bit of gentle Christian humour for Xmas: -







OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!!
LOT'S WIFE



The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

________________________________
GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

________________________________
DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

________________________________
HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

________________________________
MOSES AND THE RED SEA


Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"



________________________________
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

________________________________
UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.



________________________________
BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


________________________________
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"



________________________________
TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.


"Yes, sir." the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"



________________________________
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

________________________________

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

[335th_GRAthos]

ROFL!

Rick, this thread is one of the reasons I came back to this forum!


~S~

[RickRuski]

Glad that you're enjoying it Grathos, it's good to have some humour in the forum. Too many things that are going wrong at the moment, we need something to take our minds off the negative.

[M2morris]

This is good for some belly laughs. If you have never heard of Bob Nelson then here he is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_L6IeH6KeaY

[RedToo]

Stosh Zelkovitski worked in a Polish pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle
slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the
factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Stosh to go ahead
and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha,
became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Stosh tearfully
confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He
went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was
immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his
pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked
up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Stosh replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[swiss]

Roflmaostc!

[335th_GRAthos]

Aaaaaahahahahahaha!!!!! :d