Joke

[RickRuski]

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown Pretoria apartment to a couple of friends late one night after a rugby game, drunk Dave led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.



'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' Dave drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.


His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For ****'s sake, It's ten past three in the morning!!!

[Dan555a]

The man in depair, asks again but the dog just wags its tail!

[RickRuski]

New definition for S.O.S.



A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.



The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!'
and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.

He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?




The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
pilot came back on and said : 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled.
'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back,
took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and
a cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter -
comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

We older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter....

[baronWastelan]

CLOD has plenty of company:

Advertising Blunders From The Past

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with a beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies prefer to put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Puffs tissues tried to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

Colgate's Cue toothpaste had problems in France, as cue is a slang term for "butt" in French.

Pet Milk encountered difficulties in French -speaking countries where "Pet" means "To Break Wind".

Kellogg's Bran Buds translates to "Burned Farmer" in Swedish.

China attempted to export "Pansy" brand mens underware to America.

United Airlines featured Paul Hogan in their in-flight magazine with the caption "Paul Hogan Camps It Up", Australian slang for "Flaunts His Homosexuality".

Parker Pen thought "enbarazar" to impregnate meant to embarrass, when running a ad in Mexico saying "It won't leak in your pocket and impregnate you"

[RickRuski]

Now who would be a teacher.
.
What Starts with F and ends with K.


A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble
With one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry,
what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
Sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the
Principal's' office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
Explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy
A test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
Was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
Agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were
Explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal
Thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, '
I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him
Some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that
I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I
Do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a
Question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps
Into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes
Out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
Could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a
Woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
Teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
Seven questions wrong...'

[335th_GRAthos]

Originally Posted by RickRuski

I got the last Seven questions wrong...'

Hmmm....

I have to go back to school again, too...

ROFL

~S~

[Trumper]

Beer contains female hormones!
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners
of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,
yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered nec
Send this to the men you know
to warn them about drinking too much beer!

[RickRuski]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the
middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What
time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial
flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it
is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Air Force aircraft, the big
hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps
aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."


During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back
road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at
the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled
alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys. "Yours is."


Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at
his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position,
the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said
into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll
pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes,
sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted
man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your
telephone."


Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"


Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.


An Army Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the
barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the
barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think
I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife
doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."


"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I
suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for
me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never
going to stand in line again!"

[major_setback]

Originally Posted by baronWastelan

CLOD has plenty of company:

Advertising Blunders From The Past

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with a beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies prefer to put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Puffs tissues tried to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

Colgate's Cue toothpaste had problems in France, as cue is a slang term for "butt" in French.

Pet Milk encountered difficulties in French -speaking countries where "Pet" means "To Break Wind".

Kellogg's Bran Buds translates to "Burned Farmer" in Swedish.

China attempted to export "Pansy" brand mens underware to America.

United Airlines featured Paul Hogan in their in-flight magazine with the caption "Paul Hogan Camps It Up", Australian slang for "Flaunts His Homosexuality".

Parker Pen thought "enbarazar" to impregnate meant to embarrass, when running a ad in Mexico saying "It won't leak in your pocket and impregnate you"

Swedish Crêpe toiletpaper:







.

[Wolf_Rider]

Man Killed on Golf Course . . ...





The Price of Honesty!

A foursome of men is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.



When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.

Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.


She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those #$%^$&! lessons I took over the winter didn't help me."



One of the men immediately responds, "Well... there you have it, you should have taken golfing lessons instead!"






He never even had a chance to duck... he was only 43