Joke

[Plt Off JRB Meaker]

One of my all time favourites,Terry Thomas the original bounder,and I just love this one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8J9it...Cjn9W-SMFt-3bw

[5./JG27.Farber]

I'd like to tell this joke but I find it harsh on the Irish, so I tell it about the Scotts! - feel free to interchange your own racial bigotry

Englishman, Irishman and a Scottsman working on a high rise building. They all stop for lunch. Englishman says if my wife makes me tuna and mayonise sandwiches again tomorrow Ill kill myself... Irishman says If my wife makes me ham and mustard sandwiches again tomorrow Ill kill myself. Scottsman says if my wife makes me Beef and mustard sandwiches tomorrow Ill bloody kill myself!

The next day 500 feet up on the steel they open the lunches. Englishman says if my wife makes me tuna and mayonise sandwiches again tomorrow Ill definately kill myself... Irishman says If my wife makes me ham and mustard sandwiches again tomorrow Ill definately kill myself. Scottsman says if my wife makes me Beef and mustard sandwiches tomorrow Ill bloody definately kill myself!

So the third day, The scottsman open his lunch and jumps off the steel. 500 feet and dies... The Irishman says "Well, thats fekking wierd..." "Why?" says the Englishman... The Irishman replied - "He makes his own..."














And another, Irishman, Englishman and a Scott walk into a bar... The bartender says "Get the f*** out!, were closed!"...

[RickRuski]

This is one for the Australians amongst us.



The school inspector is assigned to the Year 4 class in one of the local Brisbane State schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.
She says to the class, "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question".

The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a biblical question.
He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually, little Bruce raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him.

Bruce stands up and replies: "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn't me".

Of course the inspector is shocked by the answer and the lack of knowledge of the famous Bible story and he looks at the teacher for an explanation. Realizing that he is perturbed, the teacher says: "Well, I've known Bruce since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it".

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies: "I don't know the boy, but I socialize every now and then with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent".

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and in a rage, dials Julia Gillard's telephone number and rattles off the entire occurrence to her and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the State.

The PM sighs heavily and replies: "I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal, but just get three quotes and have the bloody wall fixed!!"

[Buzpilot]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

[BH_woodstock]

Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.



One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.



The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"



The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.



Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[RickRuski]

---


The Gay Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."




(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
________________________________________

[Hippy Druid]

Here's one by the ever funny Ricky Gervais.
Tweeted on the 4th of July.

Dear America, Happy Independence day. & thanks for running the world since we retired. (China wants the job but hang in there.) Luv England.

[335th_GRAthos]

Excellent one Rick!!!!! R.O.F.L.

[JG52Krupi]

Yeah that was brilliant Rick, haha!

[RickRuski]

The perfect man

A man walked in George Street in Sydney and caught a taxi to go to the airport. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole suburb is blacked out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"







Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."