Joke

[Kongo-Otto]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

[RickRuski]

One late afternoon, after a hard day in the courts, a solicitor was riding home in his large Mercedes motor car
when he saw two men kneeling at the road-side eating grass.

Concerned at what he saw he stopped his car and went to investigate.
He said to one man " Why are you eating grass ?"
"Well sir, we don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
Shocked at this the solicitor said "Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, sitting beneath that tree."
"Bring them along," the solicitor said.
Turning to the other poor man he said, "You may come with us, as well. "
The second man, in a weak and pitiful voice said, "But sir, I can't leave my family ~ I have a wife and six children with me!"
Without hesitation the solicitor said " then you must bring them all as well," and they all squeezed themselves into the luxurious motor car
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned and said, " Sir, you are too kind. Thank you so much for taking all of us with you.
The solicitor replied "I'm just glad to do it ~ I've just moved into a beautiful new home and the grass is almost a foot high."



Come on now.........................................you didn't think for one moment...? .........No, of course you didn't !

[HeavyDelta]

I'm sending that one to my lawyer brother.


Guy gets called to the hospital, being told his wife has been in a serious car crash. When he arrives the doctor meets him in the hallway and says

"Before you go in there, you should know it was a terrible crash. Your wife is in a coma and is on life support. We think she is paralyzed from the neck down, so even if she awakes months from now, she won't know who you are, you'll need to feed her, bathe her, cater to her every need for the rest of her life and she may never even remember who you are."

The guy puts his head in his hands and starts to weep "Oh my god this is terrible doctor!" He bemoans.

The doctor claps him on the shoulder and says "Haha! Just messing with you man! She's dead!"

[Viking]

Actualy the first joke in this thread was about a jew coming to New York. But the then ofcourse its not PC and....etc! But not funny unless it is.
Viking

[RickRuski]

Heavy Delta, Here's another for your Brother.


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[RickRuski]

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his garage, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage," G'day Doc!! Could you come over here for a sec."

The surgeon, a bit surprised, wandered over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doc, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one... So how come you get the big money, when you and me are doing basically the same work? "

The doc leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

" Try to do it when the Engine is RUNNING "

[ATAG_Snapper]

An old man is lying in bed in the last stages of a horrible terminal illness. There's nothing the doctors can do, so they've got him rigged at home with all kinds of life support apparatus to make his last hours as comfortable as possible.

As he's lying there all alone with his life slowly ebbing away, he becomes gradually aware of a wonderful aroma wafting into the room. From deep within his drug-induced stupor this new smell evokes almost-forgotten memories of his childhood. With great effort and not a little pain he feebly rips away his oxygen mask and begins pulling out the various tubes of saline and anaethesia drips. In agony he forces himself upright, and with a massive effort swings his wizened legs over the side of the bed. Gasping in pain, he uses the bed rails to lever himself upright onto the floor. Shaking under the stress, he manages to shuffle away from the bed towards the bedroom doorway. The unaccustomed weight on his legs sends shards of acute agony through the very core of his being, but through sheer force of will he propels himself determinedly towards the bedroom doorway -- he MUST find the source of that heartwarming, bewitching aroma from his boyhood.....

Ever so slowly, the dying old man exits the bedroom to be greeted by brilliant light emanating from down the hallway. One agonizing step by step, the old man gets closer and closer to this blinding light, the aroma now filling his senses and giving him renewed strength and hope. He now is at the threshold of this overpowering light and the wonderful, all-consuming smell of his boyhood is now pulling him within....

He blinks as his bleary old bloodshot eyes adjust to the brilliance. In astonishment, he sees row upon row of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies cooling on cookie racks on the kitchen table before him. Trembling, he reaches towards one of these cookies when suddenly a spatula smartly raps the back of his hand and his wife shrieks, "Don't touch those!!! THEY'RE FOR THE FUNERAL!!!!!"

[Sven]

A woman goes to a doctor because she wants her breasts enlarged

The doctor advises her to rub toilet paper in between her breasts

The woman asks how that could possibly help her with the enlargement

Whereupon the doctor replied: It seemed to have worked for your ass.

[Hamel]

THE MONKEY STORY

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, an officer from the local RAAF base came in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take one of those monkeys, please".

The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and lead on the animal and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be $2000, please."
*
The officer paid and left with the monkey.
*
The surprised tourist went up to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
*
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a special 'Technician' monkey; he can rig aircraft flight controls, pass the RAAF fitness test, set up a perimeter defence and perform the duties of any Warrant Officer with no back talk or complaints. it's well worth the money."
*
The tourist then spotted another monkey in another cage. "That's even more expensive! $10000!! What does it do?", he asked.
*
"Oh, that one", replied the shopkeeper. "That's an 'Engineer Officer' monkey. He can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at Unit, intermediate and Depot level and even does all the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed."
*
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. This time the price tag was $50000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than the other two combined! What in the world can it do?"
*
"Actually," said the shopkeeper," I've never really seen him do anything but drink beer, play with his dick and wind-up the other monkeys, but his papers say he's a Pilot."
*

[5./JG27.Farber]

Can the joke be a sketch? Lets find out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xN1WN0YMWZU