Joke

[RickRuski]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car showroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman

[RedToo]

RACISM?



Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.



A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"



The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"



The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If
I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?



Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?



Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?



Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?



Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"



The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."



The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did
you ask me if I'm Irish?"



The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."



RedToo.

[335th_GRAthos]

Originally Posted by rickruski

"have a good day, sir", said the policeman

AWESOME !!!!! Rofl!

[335th_GRAthos]

It is not really a joke but it is a good laugh:


General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
I would pay money to have seen her face



~S~

[Trumper]

Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

[RickRuski]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an aeroplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a Kleenex, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn 't help but notice that you 've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you Okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, but I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before" he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[RickRuski]

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and
said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

[raaaid]

a husband tells his wife:

i bet you cant tell me something that makes me sad and happy

wife: oh yeah of all your friends yours its the biggest

[swiss]

Originally Posted by RickRuski

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an aeroplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a Kleenex, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn 't help but notice that you 've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you Okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, but I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before" he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

LOL!

Just discovered this one.
Truly awesome!

[RickRuski]

Elbow…

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........


"What . ... . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

_______________________________________________


Wise Italian Grandfather


An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?