Joke

[RickRuski]

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked, 'Do you have Viagra?'

'Yes,' he answered.

She asked, 'Does it work?'

'Yes,' he answered.

'Can you get it over the counter?' she asked.

'I can if I take two,' he said.

[Trumper]

ROFL at the viagra joke


Here's one for the grandparents

The following were taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds:

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

MY GRANDMOTHER LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It will make their day.

[335th_GRAthos]

Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from the book of Genesis:



"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth".

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Then he made the earth round... and He laughed and laughed and laughed!




~S~

[RickRuski]

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!



They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly

[5./JG27.Farber]

Ive got a new girlfriend, well she doesnt know she's my girlfriend yet...

[Alien]

I have a short and sadistic one:
If you're bored and have nothing to do, you can always lay your head on your shoulder, type sth on your keyboard and become Stephen Hawking!

[RickRuski]

Car Keys

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

[TomcatViP]

Excellent !!!

Thx

[RickRuski]

Tool Definitions: -



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands , so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light .. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'


SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make expensive custom teak moldings too short .



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads . Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters .



BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs .



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked , unpredictable motion , and the more you attempt to influence its course , the more dismal your future becomes .



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after regular pliers to completely round off bolt heads . If nothing else is available , they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand , and are valuable in the creation of instant blood blisters .



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire . Also handy for igniting the grease inside the engine room , and ruining the fiberglass hull where the propeller shaft struts mount , when you want to remove an recalcitrant cutless bearing .



TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity .


BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge .



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect , and the integrity of the mounting it is attached to .



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt ; but can also be used , as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part .



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short .



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war ; the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit .


UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as rubber fenders, liquids in plastic bottles, costly pump gaskets , refund cheques , and most rubber or plastic parts . Especially useful for slicing work clothes , but only while in use .



SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a beyotch!' (while in the initial stages of aggravation) at the top of your lungs ! The lexicon of curses tends to elevate from there . It is also , most often , the next tool that you will need .

[RickRuski]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"



Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"