Joke
 

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens:

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German" she replied.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days"...

A joke thread? good move, we need some giggles...



A poll conducted among INFOCUS magazine readers had established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters (<), though some readers held out resolutely for "norkies."
In honor of computer symbology's increased role in our vocabulary, INFOCUS published the following poem, written by Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese of Calvin College & Seminary of Grand Rapids, MI.



>> ! * ' ' #
^ " ` $ $ -
! * = @ $ _
% * < > ~ # 4
& [ ] . . /
| { , , SYSTEM HALTED




The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:



Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.

Here's another for you: -


AN IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door..... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....



Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

Stick for a while to see how it goes.

Forums rules apply so don't get off into the world of vulgarity and profanity and expect to get away with it, because you are telling a joke.

Be cool, we can all use a good laugh

Just bought a wig made of anal hair,bloody thing keeps blowing off!!!!!



Cheese

MY WIFE HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE ON SUNDAY. SILLY COW THOUGHT SHE
COULD DO THE VACUUMING WHILE THE FOOTBALL WAS ON.

Cheese

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".




"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."


Cheese

Irish Invasion



The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you. We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven.'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.

And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

Gamblers joke! Pad it out with your imagination when telling......


A guy at the local Dog Track, is down to his last 'fiver', depressed and tearful as the next pay cheque is a month a away!

Sat, in the rain and contemplating a month of hardship, a scrawny old greyhound dog meanders along and sits beside him.

The dog opens its mouth, yawns and then amazingly speaks to him....."Red Rocket, Lane 4 ....10 to 1 ....dead cert pal!"

The man, in a state of utter disbelievement, listes to the dog repeat his tip for the next race!

He puts his last fiver on the dogs tip! It wins .......

The Greyhound advises him with tips for the rest of the evening -----and every one a damned winner!

He adopts the dog when discovering it has no owner and trundles to the local pub with a pocket full of cash.

He gets, drunk and starts telling everyone in the pub how he won so much and how he owes it all to a talking dog, etc, etc.

Everyone in the pub thinks he is a total nutcase.

Offended, he puts his entire winnings on the counter and challenges everyone in the pub to bet regards his 'tallking dog'.

Everyone in the pub takes him on!

He picks the dog up, places it on the counter and says ...."tell them what you told me!"

The dog wags its tail, pants rapidly, snuggles up to him but says nothing....

The man in depair, asks again but the dog just wags its tail!

The man loses his entire winnings and, cursing the old Greyhound, chases the dog out of the pub and down the road.

He grabs the dog by the neck, swearing profusely, he tightens his grip around the poor dogs neck and the dog scarcely audible splutters......

'yeah, I know your mad.............but the think of the odds we will get tomorrow night!"

Berlin, a hot summer day. Traffic jam on the Avus (Berlin City Autobahn). A driver sits sweating in his car when someone knocks against the window and he looks up into the face of a policeman. He lowers the window.
"Yes?"
"Have you heard?" the policeman asks.
"Heard what?"
"Terrorists have stormed the Bundestag and have soaked everyone and everything with fuel. They demand money and freedom for some of their incarcerated compatriots. Otherwise they'll set everything afire. We're going around collecting."
"So what do people give? On average, I mean?"
The policeman shrugs. "About five liters of fuel. Most are also donating matches or a lighter."

;)

Baptising an Irishman

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher Baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.


He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
Again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk inthe water again ---

But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'


(Are you ready for this????)











The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

Huh
There are the same jokes in Russia, but instead of Angela Merkel and Athens we tell Rogozin and Tallinn.
And instead of Paddy and Frenches our joke is about Chukchi people against China, and the last phrase sounds as "We do not know how we can bury 1,500,000".

Oh well thats killed taht off!!!:grin:

Cheese

A man walks into an electronics store and buys a wwii flight sim that he thinks will work when it's installed.


This version of the joke is even better...


A man walks into an electronics store and buys a wwii flight sim that he thinks will work when it's installed. After realizing that it was buggy to begin with, he then thinks that within a "couple" of months and patches, the problem will be fixed.


I thought it was pretty funny :grin:

__________________

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v3...itForDover.jpg

Football Boots

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'


Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little sod, you're in my cupboard now'!!

An Irishman walks out of a pub ....


....



....



....


what ???



... it COULD happen ...

AWESOME!

It makes the round of Greece as I type this... :D


~S~

Brilliant!

"Hello i'm from Austria."
"Oh nice. Sidney or Outback?"

:grin:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

One late afternoon, after a hard day in the courts, a solicitor was riding home in his large Mercedes motor car
when he saw two men kneeling at the road-side eating grass.

Concerned at what he saw he stopped his car and went to investigate.
He said to one man " Why are you eating grass ?"
"Well sir, we don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
Shocked at this the solicitor said "Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, sitting beneath that tree."
"Bring them along," the solicitor said.
Turning to the other poor man he said, "You may come with us, as well. "
The second man, in a weak and pitiful voice said, "But sir, I can't leave my family ~ I have a wife and six children with me!"
Without hesitation the solicitor said " then you must bring them all as well," and they all squeezed themselves into the luxurious motor car
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned and said, " Sir, you are too kind. Thank you so much for taking all of us with you.
The solicitor replied "I'm just glad to do it ~ I've just moved into a beautiful new home and the grass is almost a foot high."



Come on now.........................................you didn't think for one moment...? .........No, of course you didn't !

I'm sending that one to my lawyer brother. :cool:


Guy gets called to the hospital, being told his wife has been in a serious car crash. When he arrives the doctor meets him in the hallway and says

"Before you go in there, you should know it was a terrible crash. Your wife is in a coma and is on life support. We think she is paralyzed from the neck down, so even if she awakes months from now, she won't know who you are, you'll need to feed her, bathe her, cater to her every need for the rest of her life and she may never even remember who you are."

The guy puts his head in his hands and starts to weep "Oh my god this is terrible doctor!" He bemoans.

The doctor claps him on the shoulder and says "Haha! Just messing with you man! She's dead!"

Actualy the first joke in this thread was about a jew coming to New York. But the then ofcourse its not PC and....etc! But not funny unless it is.
Viking

Heavy Delta, Here's another for your Brother.


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his garage, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage," G'day Doc!! Could you come over here for a sec."

The surgeon, a bit surprised, wandered over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doc, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one... So how come you get the big money, when you and me are doing basically the same work? "

The doc leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

" Try to do it when the Engine is RUNNING "

An old man is lying in bed in the last stages of a horrible terminal illness. There's nothing the doctors can do, so they've got him rigged at home with all kinds of life support apparatus to make his last hours as comfortable as possible.

As he's lying there all alone with his life slowly ebbing away, he becomes gradually aware of a wonderful aroma wafting into the room. From deep within his drug-induced stupor this new smell evokes almost-forgotten memories of his childhood. With great effort and not a little pain he feebly rips away his oxygen mask and begins pulling out the various tubes of saline and anaethesia drips. In agony he forces himself upright, and with a massive effort swings his wizened legs over the side of the bed. Gasping in pain, he uses the bed rails to lever himself upright onto the floor. Shaking under the stress, he manages to shuffle away from the bed towards the bedroom doorway. The unaccustomed weight on his legs sends shards of acute agony through the very core of his being, but through sheer force of will he propels himself determinedly towards the bedroom doorway -- he MUST find the source of that heartwarming, bewitching aroma from his boyhood.....

Ever so slowly, the dying old man exits the bedroom to be greeted by brilliant light emanating from down the hallway. One agonizing step by step, the old man gets closer and closer to this blinding light, the aroma now filling his senses and giving him renewed strength and hope. He now is at the threshold of this overpowering light and the wonderful, all-consuming smell of his boyhood is now pulling him within....

He blinks as his bleary old bloodshot eyes adjust to the brilliance. In astonishment, he sees row upon row of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies cooling on cookie racks on the kitchen table before him. Trembling, he reaches towards one of these cookies when suddenly a spatula smartly raps the back of his hand and his wife shrieks, "Don't touch those!!! THEY'RE FOR THE FUNERAL!!!!!"

A woman goes to a doctor because she wants her breasts enlarged

The doctor advises her to rub toilet paper in between her breasts

The woman asks how that could possibly help her with the enlargement

Whereupon the doctor replied: It seemed to have worked for your ass.

:cool:

THE MONKEY STORY

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, an officer from the local RAAF base came in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take one of those monkeys, please".

The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and lead on the animal and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be $2000, please."
*
The officer paid and left with the monkey.
*
The surprised tourist went up to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
*
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a special 'Technician' monkey; he can rig aircraft flight controls, pass the RAAF fitness test, set up a perimeter defence and perform the duties of any Warrant Officer with no back talk or complaints. it's well worth the money."
*
The tourist then spotted another monkey in another cage. "That's even more expensive! $10000!! What does it do?", he asked.
*
"Oh, that one", replied the shopkeeper. "That's an 'Engineer Officer' monkey. He can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at Unit, intermediate and Depot level and even does all the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed."
*
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. This time the price tag was $50000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than the other two combined! What in the world can it do?"
*
"Actually," said the shopkeeper," I've never really seen him do anything but drink beer, play with his dick and wind-up the other monkeys, but his papers say he's a Pilot."
*

Can the joke be a sketch? Lets find out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xN1WN0YMWZU

One of my all time favourites,Terry Thomas the original bounder,and I just love this one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8J9it...Cjn9W-SMFt-3bw

I'd like to tell this joke but I find it harsh on the Irish, so I tell it about the Scotts! - feel free to interchange your own racial bigotry :)

Englishman, Irishman and a Scottsman working on a high rise building. They all stop for lunch. Englishman says if my wife makes me tuna and mayonise sandwiches again tomorrow Ill kill myself... Irishman says If my wife makes me ham and mustard sandwiches again tomorrow Ill kill myself. Scottsman says if my wife makes me Beef and mustard sandwiches tomorrow Ill bloody kill myself!

The next day 500 feet up on the steel they open the lunches. Englishman says if my wife makes me tuna and mayonise sandwiches again tomorrow Ill definately kill myself... Irishman says If my wife makes me ham and mustard sandwiches again tomorrow Ill definately kill myself. Scottsman says if my wife makes me Beef and mustard sandwiches tomorrow Ill bloody definately kill myself!

So the third day, The scottsman open his lunch and jumps off the steel. 500 feet and dies... The Irishman says "Well, thats fekking wierd..." "Why?" says the Englishman... The Irishman replied - "He makes his own..."














And another, Irishman, Englishman and a Scott walk into a bar... The bartender says "Get the f*** out!, were closed!"...

This is one for the Australians amongst us.



The school inspector is assigned to the Year 4 class in one of the local Brisbane State schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.
She says to the class, "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question".

The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a biblical question.
He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually, little Bruce raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him.

Bruce stands up and replies: "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn't me".

Of course the inspector is shocked by the answer and the lack of knowledge of the famous Bible story and he looks at the teacher for an explanation. Realizing that he is perturbed, the teacher says: "Well, I've known Bruce since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it".

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies: "I don't know the boy, but I socialize every now and then with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent".

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and in a rage, dials Julia Gillard's telephone number and rattles off the entire occurrence to her and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the State.

The PM sighs heavily and replies: "I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal, but just get three quotes and have the bloody wall fixed!!"

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.



One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.



The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"



The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.



Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

---


The Gay Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."




(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
________________________________________

Here's one by the ever funny Ricky Gervais.
Tweeted on the 4th of July.

Dear America, Happy Independence day. & thanks for running the world since we retired. (China wants the job but hang in there.) Luv England.

Excellent one Rick!!!!! R.O.F.L. :)

Yeah that was brilliant Rick, haha!

The perfect man

A man walked in George Street in Sydney and caught a taxi to go to the airport. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole suburb is blacked out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"







Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

Life is a bitch.......



LOL!

-----
Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Englishman are in the bar.

They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him
is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

'Faith and begorrah, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Draught.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After He's

finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When He lets go, the

Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty-tree years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As He lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Englishman who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

'My child, what's wrong?' asks Jesus.

The Englishman shouts, 'Bugger off , I'm on a Sickness Benefit!'

LOL Rick thanks!

Milk and Eggs


This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(To the ladies, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)

A Drover walks into a bar
with a pet crocodile by his
side.

He puts the crocodile
up on the bar
turns to the astonished
patrons and says....

"I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this crocodile's
mouth and place my
manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute".

"Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit
unscathed.

In return for witnessing
this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a
drink".

The crowd murmured their
approval.
The man stood up
on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials
and related parts in the
crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.

After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard
on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as
promised.


The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again
and made another offer....
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while,
a hand went up in the
back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
"I'll try it - Just don't
hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!"

Lol!

.

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to
testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The
lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's
head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll
kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies,

"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


Don't you just love lawyers?

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the
police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake
to guess where they were going..... The driver won £52!



Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm
going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary
got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last
year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

For those that don't know, Harvey Norman are major retail stores in Australia and New zealand.




A Sydney morning radio station was inviting listeners to call in with their nicknames for their wives.
The best call was from a bloke who said he called his wife
“Harvey Norman”.
Why?
“24 Months, No interest."

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "either of you know how to starve a punk?"
The Priest looks at the Rabbi, the Rabbi looks back.
They both shrug.
"Hide his food stamps under his work boots!"


If a Punk and a Skin are in the back of a car, who's in front?
A cop.


A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.
He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
His clothes are a tattered mix of leather and rags.
His legs are bare and he's without shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with piercings and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk barks at the old man, "What are you looking at me you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies,
"Yeah! Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and I f--ked a parrot.
I thought maybe you were my son."

:)





NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family
when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance
on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question
and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use
of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host
Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not
readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans,
as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.
'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before,
but I have no idea how large they would be.'

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was
bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly
easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans
'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend
Betsy, who is an office assistant.

'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans,
wasting the first seven seconds of her call.
'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?
B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans.. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's
advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright.
So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of
answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines,
Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the
too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with
your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath -
and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
Caution...they walk among us!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one is equally unbelievable. (No comments needed!)




They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us! -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'

They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!






And last, but not least:

Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote and their vote equals ours and they also reproduce!


HOW TRUE THESE ARE I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S FRIGHTENING IT THEY ARE CORRECT :)

This one is 100% true though:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNZczIgVXjg

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

Well I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

Silence in Court


The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.
Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,
but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door
to that asshole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.. “

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a cowboy?"

He replied with a drawl, "Well .... I've never given it much thought but I've spent my whole life on a ranch, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, branding cows, working on tractors, herding cattle and feeding my dogs, so I guess you could say I am a cowboy."

He then looked over at the women and said, "If you don't mind me asking Mame, what would you say you are?"

She thought for a bit and then said, "If I had to choose one thing I suppose I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you cowboy?"

The cowboy replied, "You know it's funny, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm actually a lesbian".

Is sex work or pleasure
An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff ....

Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure"
• A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
• A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
• A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the young Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What the Group Captain wondered was his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked "And, why exactly would that be the case?"
The young Corporal replied, "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

May God Bless the lower ranks.

Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.



One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.



The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"



The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.



Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. -- Henny Youngman

During a lady's medical examination, the doctors says,
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her clothes but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

golf
 

.
GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf ! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In Golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip ........ your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
SENIOR'S DAY AT THE COURSE

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged, even some threesomes.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Trumper,

Sounds you are an old golfer like me, way to go.

It would be better to say i turned up and frightened bushes,trees and wildlife,unfortunately haven't played since we had kids,blimey 15 years ago,ought to get back into it :o

Thats women for you, always telling what is fun. :-P

You have to Love the Irish.


One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.

Wait for it----












"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

Q: How much money fits inside a 944?
A: All of it.

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special
day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for
their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took
a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat
...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to
safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk
'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before
him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were
all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in
August, ya dip ******

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Two Alzheimer patients are sitting outside at the park on a beautiful sunny day.

The one says, "I really feel having an ice-cream now"

The other says, "Great idea, I will go get us ice-cream! Which flavour do you like?"

The first one answers "two scoops chocolate! How about yourself?"

The second one "I will have two scoops vanila!"

The first one thinks for a moment and says "Hmmm...better you write the order down, You may forget it."

The second answers back "Ah, no need, the ice cream shop is just across the road"
and walks away repeating loudly to himself "Two chocolate, two vanila..."











15min later the second one returns, with two hotdogs!

The first one asks "Where is the ketchup!?"

The second "Damn, I forgot!!!"

Upon which the first one "You see! I told you to write it down!!!!!! :( )



~S~

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown Pretoria apartment to a couple of friends late one night after a rugby game, drunk Dave led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.



'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' Dave drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.


His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For ****'s sake, It's ten past three in the morning!!!

The man in depair, asks again but the dog just wags its tail!
http://www.rdox.info/01.jpghttp://www.rdox.info/02.jpghttp://www.rdox.info/8.jpghttp://www.rdox.info/9.jpg
http://www.rdox.info/0.jpg

New definition for S.O.S.



A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.



The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!'
and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.

He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?




The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
pilot came back on and said : 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled.
'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back,
took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and
a cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter -
comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

We older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter....

CLOD has plenty of company:

Advertising Blunders From The Past

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with a beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies prefer to put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Puffs tissues tried to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

Colgate's Cue toothpaste had problems in France, as cue is a slang term for "butt" in French.

Pet Milk encountered difficulties in French -speaking countries where "Pet" means "To Break Wind".

Kellogg's Bran Buds translates to "Burned Farmer" in Swedish.

China attempted to export "Pansy" brand mens underware to America.

United Airlines featured Paul Hogan in their in-flight magazine with the caption "Paul Hogan Camps It Up", Australian slang for "Flaunts His Homosexuality".

Parker Pen thought "enbarazar" to impregnate meant to embarrass, when running a ad in Mexico saying "It won't leak in your pocket and impregnate you"

Now who would be a teacher.
.
What Starts with F and ends with K.


A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble
With one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry,
what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
Sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the
Principal's' office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
Explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy
A test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
Was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
Agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were
Explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal
Thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, '
I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him
Some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that
I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I
Do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a
Question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps
Into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes
Out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
Could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a
Woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
Teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
Seven questions wrong...'

Hmmm....

I have to go back to school again, too... :(

ROFL

~S~

:)
Beer contains female hormones!
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners
of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,
yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered nec
Send this to the men you know
to warn them about drinking too much beer!

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the
middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What
time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial
flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it
is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Air Force aircraft, the big
hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps
aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."


During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back
road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at
the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled
alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys. "Yours is."


Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at
his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position,
the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said
into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll
pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes,
sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted
man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your
telephone."


Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"


Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.


An Army Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the
barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the
barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think
I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife
doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."


"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I
suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for
me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never
going to stand in line again!"

Swedish Crêpe toiletpaper:

http://tofflan.files.wordpress.com/2...if?w=150&h=150





.

Man Killed on Golf Course . . ...





The Price of Honesty!

A foursome of men is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.



When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.

Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.


She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those #$%^$&! lessons I took over the winter didn't help me."



One of the men immediately responds, "Well... there you have it, you should have taken golfing lessons instead!"






He never even had a chance to duck... he was only 43

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four
people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would
get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It’s hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
‘WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and
I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHT, I had already shit myself..'

Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated,just take a wee glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was brilliant!
Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret?
How's the water do that?"




The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

I bought a 1/24 scale Mosquito on ebay.
I thought they meant the aircraft. I can hardy see the bloody thing :-(

Here's a bit of gentle Christian humour for Xmas: -







OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!!
LOT'S WIFE



The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

________________________________
GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

________________________________
DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

________________________________
HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

________________________________
MOSES AND THE RED SEA


Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"



________________________________
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

________________________________
UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.



________________________________
BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


________________________________
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"



________________________________
TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.


"Yes, sir." the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"



________________________________
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

________________________________

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

ROFL!

Rick, this thread is one of the reasons I came back to this forum! :)


~S~

Glad that you're enjoying it Grathos, it's good to have some humour in the forum. Too many things that are going wrong at the moment, we need something to take our minds off the negative.

This is good for some belly laughs. If you have never heard of Bob Nelson then here he is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_L6IeH6KeaY

Pickle Slicer.
 

Stosh Zelkovitski worked in a Polish pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle
slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the
factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Stosh to go ahead
and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha,
became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Stosh tearfully
confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He
went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was
immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his
pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked
up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Stosh replied, "I think she got fired, too."

Roflmaostc! http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/s...hlich/d045.gif

Aaaaaahahahahahaha!!!!! :d

Lmao! :D

Funny!:-P

Did you know that:-

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.



If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.


If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago you would have nothing today.


But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of canned beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to

drink heavily & recycle!





Also, a recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.



Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.



That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British!
Wives are only happy to help too!:)

Three Irishmen were sitting in the pub window seat...Watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appeared, and quickly went inside.

"Would you look at that!" said the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appeared at the door,
Knocked, and entered.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continued drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad," said the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died...”

One night at the bar ...
 

One Night at the Bar...


I was at the bar the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied,

"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

Don't remember much after that...

:)
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.

That night we had the most amazing sex ever....

Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question
of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?">

A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.

A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure,
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who
was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to
be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the lower ranks.:)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Postman Pat's Last Day.


It was Postman Pat's
last day on the job after
35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather
to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first
house on his route,
he was greeted by the whole
family there, who all hugged
and congratulated him and
sent him on his way with a
cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented
him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed
him a bottle of 15-year old
Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was
met at the door by a dumb
blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and
led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind
with the most passionate love
he had ever experienced.
When they went downstairs,
the blonde fixed him a full
English breakfast: Bacon,
Eggs, Sausage & Tomato
with freshly squeezed orange juice.
As she was pouring him a cup of
steaming coffee,
he noticed a £1 coin in the saucer.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,'
he said, 'but what's the quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde,
'Last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day and
that we should do something special
for you'.
'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F * * k him.... Give him a quid.'

She smiled shyly and said,
'The breakfast was my idea.'

The Italian Virginity Test.


Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if
his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.

His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call
a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~ a small can of Red paint,
a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."

Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies ... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night,
you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.

If she says .... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen !',

..........you hit her with the Shovel.

Wow! :D :D :D :D :D :D


~s~

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

Loved the one about the darts Trumper