Life is a bitch.......



LOL!

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Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Englishman are in the bar.

They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him
is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

'Faith and begorrah, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Draught.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After He's

finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When He lets go, the

Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty-tree years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As He lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Englishman who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

'My child, what's wrong?' asks Jesus.

The Englishman shouts, 'Bugger off , I'm on a Sickness Benefit!'

LOL Rick thanks!

Milk and Eggs


This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(To the ladies, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)

A Drover walks into a bar
with a pet crocodile by his
side.

He puts the crocodile
up on the bar
turns to the astonished
patrons and says....

"I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this crocodile's
mouth and place my
manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute".

"Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit
unscathed.

In return for witnessing
this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a
drink".

The crowd murmured their
approval.
The man stood up
on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials
and related parts in the
crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.

After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard
on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as
promised.


The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again
and made another offer....
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while,
a hand went up in the
back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
"I'll try it - Just don't
hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!"

Lol!

.

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to
testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The
lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's
head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll
kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies,

"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


Don't you just love lawyers?

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the
police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake
to guess where they were going..... The driver won £52!



Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm
going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary
got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last
year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

For those that don't know, Harvey Norman are major retail stores in Australia and New zealand.




A Sydney morning radio station was inviting listeners to call in with their nicknames for their wives.
The best call was from a bloke who said he called his wife
“Harvey Norman”.
Why?
“24 Months, No interest."

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "either of you know how to starve a punk?"
The Priest looks at the Rabbi, the Rabbi looks back.
They both shrug.
"Hide his food stamps under his work boots!"


If a Punk and a Skin are in the back of a car, who's in front?
A cop.


A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.
He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
His clothes are a tattered mix of leather and rags.
His legs are bare and he's without shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with piercings and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk barks at the old man, "What are you looking at me you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies,
"Yeah! Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and I f--ked a parrot.
I thought maybe you were my son."