Lmao! :D

Funny!:-P

Did you know that:-

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.



If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.


If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago you would have nothing today.


But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of canned beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to

drink heavily & recycle!





Also, a recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.



Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.



That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British!
Wives are only happy to help too!:)

Three Irishmen were sitting in the pub window seat...Watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appeared, and quickly went inside.

"Would you look at that!" said the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appeared at the door,
Knocked, and entered.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continued drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad," said the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died...”

One night at the bar ...
 

One Night at the Bar...


I was at the bar the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied,

"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

Don't remember much after that...

:)
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.

That night we had the most amazing sex ever....

Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question
of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?">

A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.

A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure,
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who
was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to
be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the lower ranks.:)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Postman Pat's Last Day.


It was Postman Pat's
last day on the job after
35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather
to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first
house on his route,
he was greeted by the whole
family there, who all hugged
and congratulated him and
sent him on his way with a
cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented
him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed
him a bottle of 15-year old
Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was
met at the door by a dumb
blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and
led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind
with the most passionate love
he had ever experienced.
When they went downstairs,
the blonde fixed him a full
English breakfast: Bacon,
Eggs, Sausage & Tomato
with freshly squeezed orange juice.
As she was pouring him a cup of
steaming coffee,
he noticed a £1 coin in the saucer.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,'
he said, 'but what's the quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde,
'Last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day and
that we should do something special
for you'.
'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F * * k him.... Give him a quid.'

She smiled shyly and said,
'The breakfast was my idea.'

The Italian Virginity Test.


Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if
his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.

His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call
a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~ a small can of Red paint,
a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."

Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies ... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night,
you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.

If she says .... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen !',

..........you hit her with the Shovel.

Wow! :D :D :D :D :D :D


~s~

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

Loved the one about the darts Trumper