Pilot Humour

[Codex]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."


http://simpit.christrup.net/

[flyingbullseye]

LOL, I like it thanks for sharing.

Flyingbullseye

[genbrien]

the face of the controller must have been priceless :D

[flyingbullseye]

the face of the controller must have been priceless :D

As was probably the co-pilot's.;)

Flyingbullseye

[Codex]

While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."



As a C-5 Galaxy landed and cleared the active, it taxied by a Boeing 747 holding short of the runway. The C-5 aircraft commander, knowing how much larger his giant military behemoth was than the civilian aircraft, keyed the mic and asked the 747 captain, "Hey little buddy, what's your gross?" Not to be out done the 747 captain keyed his mic and replied "A little over two hundred thousand dollars a year, how about you?"

[zapatista]

german coastguard is not much better :) (from henfre's post in the other thread)

http://www.splashvision.com/video/151_German-Coast-Guard-Funny.html

[Flyby]

german coastguard is not much better :) (from henfre's post in the other thread)

http://www.splashvision.com/video/151_German-Coast-Guard-Funny.html
LOL!!! you guys are priceless!! :D well done! got more?
Flyby out

[Codex]

They're from the link above my sig in my initial post, go to the site and scroll to the bottom of the page.

There are some 1st class jokes there.

[Flyby]

rgrt. good stuff there. ;)
Flyby out

[Lucas_From_Hell]

Well, one of the best pilot jokes is the movie "Bill et John"

Part 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wEURyjB3Lc

Part 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvOfZSn6qAk&feature=related

:-P

[K_Freddie]

There was another one from the States.

A pilot asked for taxi clearance and was given his directions by a woman in the airports ATC. Anyway the pilot missed the turnoff point and on seeing this the ATC woman went ballistic (commonly know as PMT).

She went off for about 5 minutes about how stupid the pilot was, how this mess up would now involve a 30 minute delay of all flights... and so forth.
When her rant ended, there was absolute ATC silence for a while, then a voice popped up.
"Wasn't I married to you" !!!!!

:grin:

[ALien_12]

I've got a good one.

Airline pilot lands very hardly. His airlines tell him to tell to every passenger good bye. He thinks everybody will silly him, but it doesn't happen. And the last passenger, an old-woman, tells:
-Have we landed or crashed?


I know, I can't tell it well, but when I heard it it was funny.

[Feuerfalke]

Airplane to Tower: "Call me a fuel-truck"
Tower: "Roger, you are fuel-truck"

-

Pilot enroute: "How it the weather at your airport?"
ATC: "Overcast - Cloudcover 10/8"
Pilot after a short pause: "10/8? How can that be?"
ATC: "Yesterday we had 8/8 but today it looks worse."

-

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

-

LH741: Tower, give me a rough timecheck
Tower: It's tuesday, Sir.

-

ATC: RFG 312 fly directly to OLNO VOR. Do you need a vector?
Pilot: Ah, no, thanks. We can receive the VOR from here. It's in the direction of the moon.
ATC: Yes, that's possible, but we don't have the moon on our screen.

-

Pilot: Tower, there's a taxi-light lit.
ATC: Oh, I hope they're all lit.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's BURNING

-

Tower: Lufthansa 893, number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger...(After a short break)...We've checked the workers, they are
all working.

-

Tower: Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
Pilot: Say again.
Tower: Squawk 0476.
Pilot: Four, zero...?
Tower: You want an easier?

-

Tower: Delta Bravo Charlie, is your squawk really 7046?
Pilot: Positive.
Tower: Okay, then I'll send you a dredge for assistance. Your altitude is minus 90 feet.

-

Tower: Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.
Pilot: Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.

-

Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel

-

The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base
"Requesting Radar".
"What is you position?" asked ATC
"You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied.
After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One we're changing frequency"
"What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One
"You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.

-

Pilot on takeoff: "Oh my god! The engine failure light is on; we are all going to die! We are all going to die!”
Co Pilot: “Relax, that’s just the intercom”

-

Tower: To prevent noise, alter heading 45 degrees to the right.
Pilot: What kind of noise can we make at 35,000 feet?
Tower: The bang when your 707 collides with the 727.

-

Pilot of an Alitalia, whose cockpit has been paralyzed by lightning: "Everything's dead. Nothing is working anymore. Even our altimeter isn't showing anything .... After five minutes of lamentation the pilot of another flight broadcasts: "Shut up and die like a man!"

-

Pilot: Have only very little fuel remaining. Request urgent instruction.
Tower: What is your position? We don't have you on the screen.
Pilot: We're sitting on runway 2 and have been waiting forever on the fuel truck.

[Flyby]

Al, I'm having trouble with your website.
Flyby

[HenFre]

I just love these :grin:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwNQf08Kxsw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ9yj_BXRp0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt5P_zvE5qY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-oPgbPdnWk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1rWvGSmOuo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdAlYF67r9E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPIF69oy50g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JM8MLJjwT84

[fireflyerz]

Oh man....you stole my moment , I was just about to post thoes , DAMN , im off to paint my spitfire yellow...:evil:

[Feuerfalke]

How about this classic:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNRXJEE3Nz8

[ALien_12]

Al, I'm having trouble with your website.
Flyby
If it was to me, tell me what kind of problem do you have.

[Flyby]

If it was to me, tell me what kind of problem do you have.

never mind. all seems to be OK now. nice site.
Flyby out

[ALien_12]

Thanks.